--1--I drink 64 ounces of water a day, every day, and I have for the past...oh, 4 years or so? And I know it's exactly 64 ounces because 1) I fill up one of my small collection of handy, cancer-ridden, hippy-looking 32-ounce Nalgene bottles two times a day and 2) I own a calculator. Of course, I can't just drink plain water - what am I, a caveman? - it's always water mixed with some sort of flavored powder full of cancer-ridden artificial sweeteners, but it helps me stay hydrated, and if there's one thing they (whoever they are) tell you about staying healthy it's to drink lots of water. They probably also say something about staying away from BPA and excessive amounts of aspertain, but good Lord, I can't follow all these rules at once! It's either keep my body juicy and moist with chemically-enhanced water that will probably turn my own cells against me one day in the form of a well-hydrated tumor, or drink plain water. Psh, what a no-brainer. Plain water is gross.
Anyway, I swear I'm going somewhere with this (only it's just a single sentence, and you're gonna be so underwhelmed when I get there). It's a routine, my water. There's morning water and afternoon water, and Lord help me on days when I finish morning water before 2:00pm. That's FAR too early for afternoon water, and how will that ever last me until bed time? I mean, Heaven forbid I exceed that magical number of 64. But whatever, I'm SO stuck in my routine, that I take my water with me wherever I go - even to restaurants where they will WILLINGLY give me water. For FREE even! Only in America. And I do occasionaly get some odd looks from waiters about having my own water, and every single time, I always think to myself, "I hope they think it's polyjuice potion."
Anyway, I swear I'm going somewhere with this (only it's just a single sentence, and you're gonna be so underwhelmed when I get there). It's a routine, my water. There's morning water and afternoon water, and Lord help me on days when I finish morning water before 2:00pm. That's FAR too early for afternoon water, and how will that ever last me until bed time? I mean, Heaven forbid I exceed that magical number of 64. But whatever, I'm SO stuck in my routine, that I take my water with me wherever I go - even to restaurants where they will WILLINGLY give me water. For FREE even! Only in America. And I do occasionaly get some odd looks from waiters about having my own water, and every single time, I always think to myself, "I hope they think it's polyjuice potion."
--2--
A customer at work yesterday told her 3- and 2-year-old sons, "You are terrible children! I hate taking pictures with you!" And while it was TOTALLY TRUE - her children were horrible, and I equally hated taking their pictures - I was wise enough to keep that little tidbit of information tucked away inside my head for me and me alone to snuggle with. Plus, I didn't threaten the children with not receiving gum, money, and toys only to give them all to them anyway despite their awful, hell-spawn behavior. Now, I know I don't have any kids, but I DO own that cloth diaper, and I'm pretty sure that gives me enough child-rearing authority to say no wonder your kids are demons, ma'am. Have a nice day.
--3--
I'm making this for my mom's birthday this weekend:
And if it turns out good (well? I still don't know when to use which one, thank you public schooling), there will be a blog post allll about it next week.
And if it doesn't turn out well (good? I still don't know when to- oh wait, already did that), there will be an even funnier blog post allll about it next week, because that's what I do. I turn lemons into hysterical lemonade. Or mildy-humorous lemonade, anyway. Okay, fine, lemonade that typically causes people to glaze over by the 3rd paragraph. Whatever. I try.
And if it turns out good (well? I still don't know when to use which one, thank you public schooling), there will be a blog post allll about it next week.
And if it doesn't turn out well (good? I still don't know when to- oh wait, already did that), there will be an even funnier blog post allll about it next week, because that's what I do. I turn lemons into hysterical lemonade. Or mildy-humorous lemonade, anyway. Okay, fine, lemonade that typically causes people to glaze over by the 3rd paragraph. Whatever. I try.
--4--
Someone please, please, PLEASE find me the clip from last night's 30 Rock where...
>>>SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER!<<<
...Teddy Ruxpin is Kathy Geiss's lawyer.
>>>END SPOILER<<< style="text-align: center;">
>>>SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER!<<<
...Teddy Ruxpin is Kathy Geiss's lawyer.
>>>END SPOILER<<< style="text-align: center;">
--5--
Speaking of Things That Crack Me Up, read this post, specifically the answer to "Who is more stubborn?" Maybe no one will think it as funny as I do, but I lose it ever time I read that answer, probably because it is something I would totally do. I am a taurus after all.
Wow, an emotional eater and a stubborn bull. Is there anything about me that's not stereotypical? Aw, I feel so labeled and predictable now. :(
Wow, an emotional eater and a stubborn bull. Is there anything about me that's not stereotypical? Aw, I feel so labeled and predictable now. :(
--6--
This is why I shouldn't be allowed to have peanut butter:
Do those look like knife tracks in there to you? That's because they're not. No, a knife has never seen the inside of a peanut butter jar in this house, because I'm too busy eating it straight out of the jar with my finger. Oh, I am a classy girl. And I'm just gonna warn you now, if you have peanut butter in your house, and you are not there to witness me, I will put my filthy finger in your PB jar too and NOT EVER SECOND GUESS THAT ACTION. It's a compulsion, I can't help it. I <3>
Do those look like knife tracks in there to you? That's because they're not. No, a knife has never seen the inside of a peanut butter jar in this house, because I'm too busy eating it straight out of the jar with my finger. Oh, I am a classy girl. And I'm just gonna warn you now, if you have peanut butter in your house, and you are not there to witness me, I will put my filthy finger in your PB jar too and NOT EVER SECOND GUESS THAT ACTION. It's a compulsion, I can't help it. I <3>
--7--
I hate ads, don't you? They're annoying and ugly and obvious attempt at a greedy profit. Ugh, they're the worst. Having said that, I have them. Just a friendly reminder that they're there. You know what to do.
Love ya. *wink*
Love ya. *wink*
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