24 June 2009

[Imported] Baby's first wax

For the first time in my entire life today, I had a bikini wax. Why? Well, I'm going to a family reunion this weekend, and let's face it - it's in Tennessee, and here in the south you get yourself prettied up for family events, because what better place than a family reunion to meet your future spouse? I would say I'm kidding, but both my mom and aunt have tried setting me up with one of my 5th cousins. True story. Sure, we're only related because we have the same great-great grandmother, but if you're related enough to actually BE at my family reunion, then you're related a bit too close to me for me to actually consider marriage.

But seriously, I decided to do a bikini wax because I'll be wearing a bathing suit for the next week or so, and I've shaved enough down there to know those ADORABLE little red bumps? SO last season.

Now, since I've never had a bikini wax, I've never seen one performed, nor do I specifically know anyone who has actually had one, you would think that I'd do the smart thing and pay someone to do it for me. You know, a professional. Some kindly lady who makes her living weeding and trimming cha-chas. But no, until about five minutes ago when I looked on the intraweb, I didn't actually know that you have the option of actually KEEPING YOUR UNDERWEAR ON DURING THE PROCEDURE. Who knew? I certainly didn't. And since I didn't want anyone seeing MY cha-cha, I figured, hey, I'll just buy an at-home do-it-yourself bikini wax kit. Because I was on drugs. Let's just pretend that last part it true.

Ahhh, so what fun, right? Mmm-hmmm. The first time, I applied the wax too thickly and tried pulling it off too slowly. Neither mistake is good to make on its own let alone making both together. But I had only pulled the strip off halfway, and since I then I knew the kind of pain I was dealing with - oh! the pain - I was even MORE reluctant to pull it the rest of the way off. But if had to come off somehow, so I braced myself, yanked it off, and let out an involuntary yelp. Listen, I'm no stranger to pain - there are plenty of scars on my body to attest to that - but that area down there has never had a day of pain in its life, and it simply was not used to having hundreds of hairs violently and simulateously yanked out of it by the roots.

But I tried it again - a slightly smaller area, a thinner amount of wax, I pulled the skin taut and yanked it off. I still yelled - honestly, if it's your first time, I don't think it's possible NOT to yell (that's what she said), but it was a more controlled yell. A yell that said, "Hey, pulling hair out of my body hurts," rather than, "Oh my gosh my inner thighs are being eaten alive by a herd of half-starved devil-possessed wolverines please call an ambulance or the police or at the very least an exorcist."

Unfortunately though, it now looks as if I am physically abused by my panty line, given the amount of redness and what looks to be busted blood vessels. But hey! No razor burn! Yay! Allow me to roll my eyes now!

What I don't get is why did those crazy hippy feminist waste all their burning their bras back in the 70s? I personally like my bra. If I didn't wear it, well, let's just say my girls would probably be hanging down to my knees by now. Support is a necessity to me. What they SHOULD have burned was bikini wax supplies. After all, the pain from yanking hair out of one's body seems to trump any slight discomfort caused by a bra by a LONG shot. Plus, they could have used all that wax to make candles, which hello? Are MEANT to be burned.

Silly feminist. Not an ounce of logic in them...

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