24 June 2009

[Imported] Thirst for your own health

For those of you who haven't heard, it's been announced that Nalgene bottles have been linked to causing cancer, infertility, excessive peeing, and democrats.
Now, this is a major blow to me given the fact that I own FIVE of these bottles, and not only do I used them to look super cool and outdoorsy, I actually drink out of one at LEAST once a day, and I have been doing so EVERY DAY FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS.

That excessive peeing thing? I can totally attest to that.

I suppose that I could go out and buy different water bottles, but how many other bottles out there are able to withstand -211 degree weather? AND 275 degree weather?! What if I accidentally leave it in the oven? (Though what in the world is ONLY cooked at 275 degrees?) What if my water bottle and I are kidnapped by aliens and taken to Jupiter? What water bottle would survive such extreme temperatures? Certainly no cheap plastic Wal-Mart bottle. Folks, these are all highly probable happenings here, and I NEED TO BE PREPARED.

But for everyday purposes, this is how I get in my water intake. I drink 1-2 of these 32+ ounce bottles a day (did I mention that I pee a lot?), and they're so convenient what with their screw-on lid, their durability (did you know you can hit it with a hammer, and YOUR arm will shatter?), and their totally awesome colors, which isn't really a matter of convenience so much as a matter of totally coordinating with my wardrobe. Plus, these bottles fit so snuggly in my cup holder in my car, whereas most ordinary water bottles tip out of the holder and roll around by my feet the moment I put my turning signal on.

I went to work out this morning, with my Orange Nalgene in tow, and because I'm determined to be as paranoid as possible about every single thing, I felt like people would look at my newly-stigmatize water bottle and judge me. Don't you know that causes cancer? Don't you know you're slowly shriveling up your ovaries? Don't you realize how addicted to those things you've become? See what's happening here? I'm carrying around the world's most thirst-quenching cigarette.

Anyway, gotta go. Soup's here.

P.S. It's tomato.

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