24 June 2009

[Imported] Good thing I’m clearing this up right as summer’s about to end

I wrote this post once all ready, and I honestly don't think it's worth the effort to write all over again, but my stubbornness far outweighs my laziness and efficiency, so I WILL PERSEVERE AND SHOW YOU WHO'S BOSS, INTERNET.

My computer just flickered in fear.


Anyway, the lost blog was all about how I wore a bikini to the pool today. An outdoor pool. Where people frequent. Or at least, where people are supposed to frequent. See, our neighborhood pool isn't so much a pool as it is a, um, one notch above a kitchen sink. Maybe a bathtub. So no one ever goes. Except me (that I know of), donned in a silver tankini (which makes me wince just to type, because as far as portmanteaux go, that one is really just the bottom of the wordtastic barrel), even though it's really just a one piece that wishes it was a - groan – tankini, since not even a millimeter of midriff shows between the top and bottom pieces. Goll, I'm such an old person.

By the way, if you're hoping this story has a point, you're in for a huge disappointment. Also, this next paragraph is a doozy. You've been warned.

So, this bikini has sat unworn in my closet for the last 3-4 years, due to my stereotypical female insecurities, blah, blah, blah, especially after working at Cold Stone Creamery for 7 months and gaining 15 pounds because ALL! THAT! ICE CREAM! But did I feel bad about this bathing suit rotting away in my closet, all neglected and dry? No, because this bikini was FREE. How was it free, you ask? Well, it was given to my mom by her then-boyfriend as a gift, only it didn't fit her, so I said I'd take it, and yes, I'm sure Freud would probably have a thing or two to say about that. But I couldn't pass it up because 1) hello! FREE! Do you know how much bathing suits usually cost? and 2) it was much hotter and more grown up than my previous bikini, which had a different color on both the front AND back of the top AND bottom (pink, yellow, lime green, and sky blue, if you can imagine), as well as some cartoon-y map on the butt and weird Moroccan squiggles/quilt-like patterns everywhere else (yes, it was that crazy-busy), and honestly, the only thing missing from it was the word 'POLACK' written across the chest, because that suit didn't even match itself, though I'll admit that's what made it cute, but once I outgrew that suit, I was ready for a more mature one (not porno mature, just grown-up mature), and that's the story of how I got this bikini I wore today, and if writing never-ending sentences was an Olympic event, I'd have just won a gold medal, and I'd be sobbing my eyes out on the pedestal and forgetting the words to the national anthem for all the world to see on world-wide television right about now, right after they did the interview in which I'd, of course, be thanking the Lord for blessing me with a holy amount of talent for rambling, in Christ our Savior's name, Amen.


Where was I?

Oh, yes.

So, I just happened to see this suit crumpled up in the closet today, and I decided to try it on. Just to see. I didn't look…disgusting in it, at least. Actually, it was okay. I still couldn't stop myself from grabbin my pooch of a belly and thinking, "Goll, Natalie, lose some effin weight already," but that's just my estrogen talking, so don't go leaving me a comment now saying I'm not fat. I know I'm not fat. But, see, one is not allowed to be a girl unless she at least thinks she's fat. No joke, it's actually the law that all post-pubescent females must have a full-blown nervous breakdown in either a restaurant or clothing store at least once a month and yell for all to hear within a 3 mile radius about how gross and flabby their bodies are, otherwise the government comes and takes away their vaginas.

Damn government.

But, like I said, I'm the only one ever at the pool, so who did I need to hide from, especially since I didn't look that bad? And since my stomach is so white other virgins are asking me if they can wear it on their wedding day, I decided to wear the bikini and let my pasty skin get some color for once. I'm sure you already have an idea of where this is going, that perhaps I got to the pool and had it all to myself, only for people to suddenly show up about 10 minutes into my swim, and if that WAS your guess, well, props, because that's what happened.

I didn't care too much, since I just stayed in the pool and swam the whole time (that, really, was the pathetic part, since it took me all of five strokes to make it from one end of the pool to the other. It was like trying to run laps in a parking space), and how were they going to see my body through ALL THAT WATER, RIGHT?

But whatever, that's not where I'm going with this (that whole story of my bikini? Yeah, that's all I had to say about. I told you there was no point, and don't you wish you could get those five minutes of your life back?) The thing is those people went to the pool today JUST TO SIT BY IT. Every once in a while, someone would put a toe in the pool, freak out about how cold it was, and then slowly creep their body in until the water reached, oh my gosh, their belly button (their bravery, it was INSPIRING); but then they'd hop right back out after ten seconds just to spend another hour marathoning the lawn chair. This is a common practice that I simply don't understand, because, you see, the entire point of going to the pool, in theory, – and stay with me here, this gets kind of crazy – is to actually SWIM IN THE POOL.

I'll take a second to let your mind recover from being. totally. blown.

Now, I understand that some people just like to get some sun, but really now, you can sit in your driveway just as easily if sunbathing is your main goal. You can even spray yourself with a water hose to cool you off! Isn't that brilliant? I mean, just sitting by the pool and NOT getting in it is like buying a movie ticket and popcorn then sitting in the lobby. You're simply missing all the fun! All four feet deep of it!*

So what's your opinion? Are you a swimmer or a sitter?

*Actual depth may vary

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